That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap