I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime