I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
