Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
did you just send me my own nude
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
