i would punch a child for taco bell
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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