just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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