Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
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Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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