Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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