I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
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i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
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So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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