Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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