I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
