forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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