By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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