Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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