I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
