He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm getting married
To pizza
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
