I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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