me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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