Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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