my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
