She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
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Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
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Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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