i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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