whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Hippo gnu deer
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
