i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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