I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
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it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
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Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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