During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
