We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
