I think my vagina is haunted
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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