even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
