I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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