If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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