Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
