it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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