i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
