you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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