I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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