why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
