can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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