i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
