I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
