They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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