only you would photoshop your dick
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
