hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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