Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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