Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
