Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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