I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
