I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
