i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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