Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
