True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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