You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
