Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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