That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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