Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
