just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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