Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
