TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
