I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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